The only thing better in the whole wide world than Jeans Friday is Jeans Thursday. That, of course, is when Jeans Friday falls on a holiday like tomorrow’s Fourth of July. The unspoken understanding between cubicle workers and their bosses is that the workers will get a day to wear jeans every week, come Hell or high water.
This Jeans Thursday is also an opportunity for all of us to reflect on all the Founding Fathers did to build a nation where people can be free to wear Dockers and open-necked shirts to the office, even on a Monday.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are taken aback at how many people do not realize that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence mentioned business casual. It originally read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, cotton pants with no ties at the workplace and jeans on Friday.”
Thomas Jefferson, the sissy, ended up cutting those words because he thought it would be “rubbing it in” to the Brits, who were still at that time wearing double-breasted suits to work.
“Well, what is it?” I asked. “Is it the water here or something in the office air? Is this some Erin Brockovich shit or something?”
Dr. Susnow explained that he was able to rule out the water and air because two of the six employees who suffered from the same symptoms worked in two different satellite offices.
“I have a theory,” he said, “but it’s only a theory.” He stopped.
“Well, what is it?” I demanded, growing impatient.
“Hmm, I don’t know if I should tell you because, like I said, it’s only a theory and, really, I need more time to think about it. Telling you now would be premature.”
“You gotta tell me. I’m dying here. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.”
“O.K., O.K. I’ll tell you but this doesn’t go beyond this room. You must promise met that. If this theory is true, which I hope it’s not, it will disrupt the entire order of things as they now are. Do you understand me?”
Dockers has issued the advertisement seen below. The ad shows a man confidently wearing his Dockers biz caz while sitting on a couch that is presumably in the employees’ lounge of the man’s office. A female coworker, also dressed in Dockers biz caz, is apparently unable to resist the man’s wrinkle-resistant attire and jumps on top of him. Sure, they may get escorted to the street by security for this workplace hanky panky but she can’t be to blame. The man is wearing Dockers.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are showing this advertisement to you, the reading public, to warn you that wearing biz caz may not cause most people to become absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex. Actually, it’s highly unlikely to happen to anyone. You have been warned.
I sat down in the psychiatrist’s chair and opened up to him about my problems–fatigue, depression, low sex drive.
“Have you seen a doctor?” he asked. “Do you think you are ill or have a virus?”
I told him that I knew I wasn’t sick because my energy often popped back on the weekends, usually by noon on Saturdays.
“Oh,” the doctor said. He now had a worried look on his face. “Interesting. Very interesting.”
“What is it?” I asked. The doctor’s worried look caused me to worry. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re the sixth employee who’s come to talk to me about the exact same symptoms in the past three months. This is more than a coincidence. And there may be many more who haven’t come forward yet.”
We here at the Biz Caz Blues don’t believe in the paranormal. At least, we didn’t until last week. Last week, we posted a helpful list of biz caz clothing items to be worn for people who hate themselves. At the end, we asked readers to let us know if we missed anything.
Well, one astute reader, with the exotic first name of dkzody (what were her parents thinking?!) eloquently commented, “Shoes, you missed shoes….”
She was right, of course. But just then we received an email about a sale on Dockers shoes at the local department store. The email showed a picture of a type of Dockers shoes (see below) that can only be described as nothing less than soul crushing.
They are the ultimate shoes for those who hate themselves. First, wearing anything by Dockers shows that you hate yourself. Second, the braided belt look is incorporated in these shoes. And third, wearing them will make you lose your sex drive while simulatenously preventing anyone from wanting to have sex with you.
Receiving the comment from dkzody and this email about the Dockers shoes at the same moment made it seem that the biz caz God, Lumbergh (pictured below), was trying to contact us from the great cubicle in the sky. Spooky.
The second installment of Who Doesn’t Wear Biz Caz? is dedicated to the late-comedian George Carlin who died yesterday.
We can safely say that Mr. Carlin never wore biz caz.
However, as the picture below makes clear, he did have at least one friend who wore biz caz.