The only thing better in the whole wide world than Jeans Friday is Jeans Thursday. That, of course, is when Jeans Friday falls on a holiday like tomorrow’s Fourth of July. The unspoken understanding between cubicle workers and their bosses is that the workers will get a day to wear jeans every week, come Hell or high water.
This Jeans Thursday is also an opportunity for all of us to reflect on all the Founding Fathers did to build a nation where people can be free to wear Dockers and open-necked shirts to the office, even on a Monday.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are taken aback at how many people do not realize that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence mentioned business casual. It originally read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, cotton pants with no ties at the workplace and jeans on Friday.”
Thomas Jefferson, the sissy, ended up cutting those words because he thought it would be “rubbing it in” to the Brits, who were still at that time wearing double-breasted suits to work.
“Well, what is it?” I asked. “Is it the water here or something in the office air? Is this some Erin Brockovich shit or something?”
Dr. Susnow explained that he was able to rule out the water and air because two of the six employees who suffered from the same symptoms worked in two different satellite offices.
“I have a theory,” he said, “but it’s only a theory.” He stopped.
“Well, what is it?” I demanded, growing impatient.
“Hmm, I don’t know if I should tell you because, like I said, it’s only a theory and, really, I need more time to think about it. Telling you now would be premature.”
“You gotta tell me. I’m dying here. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.”
“O.K., O.K. I’ll tell you but this doesn’t go beyond this room. You must promise met that. If this theory is true, which I hope it’s not, it will disrupt the entire order of things as they now are. Do you understand me?”
Dockers has issued the advertisement seen below. The ad shows a man confidently wearing his Dockers biz caz while sitting on a couch that is presumably in the employees’ lounge of the man’s office. A female coworker, also dressed in Dockers biz caz, is apparently unable to resist the man’s wrinkle-resistant attire and jumps on top of him. Sure, they may get escorted to the street by security for this workplace hanky panky but she can’t be to blame. The man is wearing Dockers.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are showing this advertisement to you, the reading public, to warn you that wearing biz caz may not cause most people to become absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex. Actually, it’s highly unlikely to happen to anyone. You have been warned.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues don’t believe in the paranormal. At least, we didn’t until last week. Last week, we posted a helpful list of biz caz clothing items to be worn for people who hate themselves. At the end, we asked readers to let us know if we missed anything.
Well, one astute reader, with the exotic first name of dkzody (what were her parents thinking?!) eloquently commented, “Shoes, you missed shoes….”
She was right, of course. But just then we received an email about a sale on Dockers shoes at the local department store. The email showed a picture of a type of Dockers shoes (see below) that can only be described as nothing less than soul crushing.
They are the ultimate shoes for those who hate themselves. First, wearing anything by Dockers shows that you hate yourself. Second, the braided belt look is incorporated in these shoes. And third, wearing them will make you lose your sex drive while simulatenously preventing anyone from wanting to have sex with you.
Receiving the comment from dkzody and this email about the Dockers shoes at the same moment made it seem that the biz caz God, Lumbergh (pictured below), was trying to contact us from the great cubicle in the sky. Spooky.
Many people believe that the issue of biz caz is simply too general to be the subject of one Web site. Writing about wearing biz caz is like writing about breathing. Everyone does it.
Believe it or not, not everyone wears biz caz. This may be hard for many to accept. It certainly was for us for a long time. Everywhere we went the only people we saw were dressed in biz caz. All of our coworkers and all the other professionals near our downtown offices were in biz caz. Same with all the other drinkers we saw at happy hours at our favorite after-work bars like Houlihans, Slappy O’Leary’s and the Bull and Bear. Even the employees of restaurants and retail stores like Starbucks and Best Buy were biz caz clad.
It’s easy for people to grow up believing that everyone wears biz caz. Well, not everyone does. We hate to be the ones to break it to you but that’s what we do, we speak the hard truth about biz caz.
Therefore, we are going to begin profiling people who do not wear biz caz as a way of expanding our readers’ horizons.
First up, Rick Rubin.
Rick Rubin, an influential music producer who cofounded Def Jam Records, does not wear biz caz.
However, his friend Jay-Z does wear biz caz. Intersestingly, when Jay-Z wears biz caz no one calls it biz caz. This is due to the fact that instead of looking like Sean Carter, a mid manager for the past 10 years at Inintech, he is still that Jay-Hova while wearing khaki pants and a striped shirt. How many of your cubicle-mates can you say that about?
Another battle in the never-ending office dress code wars ended decisively this week when the Men’s Dress Furnishings Association (MDFA), the American tie makers trade group, announced that it would be shutting down its operations.
The MDFA publicly blamed its dwindling membership as the reason behind the group’s decision to dissolve. The group’s current membership of 25 companies is down from 120 in the 1980s.
Behind the scenes, however, members of the MDFA and others in the workplace fashion industry were acknowledging that MDFA’s closure was a direct result of the Smart and Casual Officewear Federation’s (SACOF) relentless attacks on both the formal wear industry and its culture.
One MDFA insider, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Truth is, SACOF beat us a long time ago. Some of us think we should have disbanded years ago when it first became clear that SACOF had made business casual the dominant office wear.”
Others used more forceful language when talking about SACOF, proving that bad blood remains between the two groups long after the bloody officewear wars of the 1980s and 1990s. Many, speaking off record, accused SACOF of continuing to play hardball in the years following the Truce of 2002, using tactics such as shakedowns of makers of formal wear.
Representatives of SACOF did not respond to any calls for comment. SACOF’s press department issued the following brief statement: “The members of the Smart and Casual Officewear Federation wish the best for all of the members of the Men’s Dress Furnishings Association in their future endeavors. SACOF, as an organization, had nothing but respect for MDFA in the years the two groups competed against one another.”
It looks like SACOF will have no more competition going forward.
The day of my diagnosis I wore a wrinkle resistant Club Room dress shirt that was pale blue with white checks. The horizontal white lines were slightly bolder than their vertical brethren. I thought it was an illusion at first but it’s not.
My pants were black with white pin stripes that were so faint they were barely noticeable. I was violating a cardinal Biz Caz rule by wearing checks with stripes. However, I hoped the stripes in my pants were so faint that I could get through the day undetected. I hadn’t even noticed them until I put them on in my office.
I had bought the pants at a Banana Republic one weekday morning after I was caught in a torrential rainstorm that drenched my Banana Republic chinos. Not wanting to spend the day in wet clothes I made the trip to the Banana Republic that is conveniently and appropriately located at the center of all the downtown office buildings. The store was crowded for 10:15 a.m. It was filled with other water-logged office workers.