We here at the Biz Caz Blues don’t believe in the paranormal. At least, we didn’t until last week. Last week, we posted a helpful list of biz caz clothing items to be worn for people who hate themselves. At the end, we asked readers to let us know if we missed anything.
Well, one astute reader, with the exotic first name of dkzody (what were her parents thinking?!) eloquently commented, “Shoes, you missed shoes….”
She was right, of course. But just then we received an email about a sale on Dockers shoes at the local department store. The email showed a picture of a type of Dockers shoes (see below) that can only be described as nothing less than soul crushing.
They are the ultimate shoes for those who hate themselves. First, wearing anything by Dockers shows that you hate yourself. Second, the braided belt look is incorporated in these shoes. And third, wearing them will make you lose your sex drive while simulatenously preventing anyone from wanting to have sex with you.
Receiving the comment from dkzody and this email about the Dockers shoes at the same moment made it seem that the biz caz God, Lumbergh (pictured below), was trying to contact us from the great cubicle in the sky. Spooky.
The Biz Caz Blues has compiled a list of clothing items and accessories to be worn by those office workers who suffer from self-loathing and are looking for a way to punish themselves.
In our surveys, we have found many instances of this among the newly-minted office workers–those in their early to mid-20s. More than one would expect.
This self-loathing is usually caused by some sort of guilt, often over how much the person partied while in college to the detriment of the person’s grades subsequently limiting the person’s job prospects to the one the person has or the person still has not forgiven him or herself for that bi-curious phase during sophomore year.
Our research has shown that wearing the following six items inflicts a sufficient amount of punishment to satisfy those who hate themselves. Please note that this list only applies to men. We will be posting a list for women who hate themselves later.
Please send in any other items you think should be added.
1. The braided belt. This is self explanatory.
2. Cotton pants any shades lighter than khaki. There is an exception for people 75 years and older.
3. Pleated pants. Spencer Pratt wears them. Enough said.
4. The mid-manager’s tool belt. This should consist of clipping your blackberry, cell phone, pager (even though you’re not a doctor), and office building security badge to your braided belt.
5. Blue Denim Shirt. Unless you’re carrying a gun with a scope. Then you can pretty much wear anything you want.
6. Futuristic Sunglasses. The kind that make you look like you’re going to go play beach volleyball when, in reality, you’re just going to sit on your ever-expanding ass in a cubicle staring at a computer for approximately 7.5 hours.