The only thing better in the whole wide world than Jeans Friday is Jeans Thursday. That, of course, is when Jeans Friday falls on a holiday like tomorrow’s Fourth of July. The unspoken understanding between cubicle workers and their bosses is that the workers will get a day to wear jeans every week, come Hell or high water.
This Jeans Thursday is also an opportunity for all of us to reflect on all the Founding Fathers did to build a nation where people can be free to wear Dockers and open-necked shirts to the office, even on a Monday.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are taken aback at how many people do not realize that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence mentioned business casual. It originally read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, cotton pants with no ties at the workplace and jeans on Friday.”
Thomas Jefferson, the sissy, ended up cutting those words because he thought it would be “rubbing it in” to the Brits, who were still at that time wearing double-breasted suits to work.
“Well, what is it?” I asked. “Is it the water here or something in the office air? Is this some Erin Brockovich shit or something?”
Dr. Susnow explained that he was able to rule out the water and air because two of the six employees who suffered from the same symptoms worked in two different satellite offices.
“I have a theory,” he said, “but it’s only a theory.” He stopped.
“Well, what is it?” I demanded, growing impatient.
“Hmm, I don’t know if I should tell you because, like I said, it’s only a theory and, really, I need more time to think about it. Telling you now would be premature.”
“You gotta tell me. I’m dying here. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.”
“O.K., O.K. I’ll tell you but this doesn’t go beyond this room. You must promise met that. If this theory is true, which I hope it’s not, it will disrupt the entire order of things as they now are. Do you understand me?”
We here at the Biz Caz Blues have gotten our hands on the Douchiest Phone Message in History, which we have included below for your edification and listening pleasure.
At the request of thousands of our readers, we used our extensive knowledge of biz caz to determine if, in fact, as our readers are so convinced, the caller was wearing biz caz while leaving the message. We submitted it to our lab here at the Biz Caz Blues and our crack team of researchers analyzed the message. This is their findings:
As you can see, our researchers determined from the forensic evidence that there was an 89.7% chance the caller was wearing biz caz, a 5.3% chance he was wearing a three piece suit, and a 5% chance he was wearing a sweater vest.
So, it appears, that our readers who said that there was a 100% chance the caller was wearing biz caz were not entirely correct, but they were close.
Dockers has issued the advertisement seen below. The ad shows a man confidently wearing his Dockers biz caz while sitting on a couch that is presumably in the employees’ lounge of the man’s office. A female coworker, also dressed in Dockers biz caz, is apparently unable to resist the man’s wrinkle-resistant attire and jumps on top of him. Sure, they may get escorted to the street by security for this workplace hanky panky but she can’t be to blame. The man is wearing Dockers.
We here at the Biz Caz Blues are showing this advertisement to you, the reading public, to warn you that wearing biz caz may not cause most people to become absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex. Actually, it’s highly unlikely to happen to anyone. You have been warned.
I sat down in the psychiatrist’s chair and opened up to him about my problems–fatigue, depression, low sex drive.
“Have you seen a doctor?” he asked. “Do you think you are ill or have a virus?”
I told him that I knew I wasn’t sick because my energy often popped back on the weekends, usually by noon on Saturdays.
“Oh,” the doctor said. He now had a worried look on his face. “Interesting. Very interesting.”
“What is it?” I asked. The doctor’s worried look caused me to worry. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re the sixth employee who’s come to talk to me about the exact same symptoms in the past three months. This is more than a coincidence. And there may be many more who haven’t come forward yet.”
We here at the Biz Caz Blues don’t believe in the paranormal. At least, we didn’t until last week. Last week, we posted a helpful list of biz caz clothing items to be worn for people who hate themselves. At the end, we asked readers to let us know if we missed anything.
Well, one astute reader, with the exotic first name of dkzody (what were her parents thinking?!) eloquently commented, “Shoes, you missed shoes….”
She was right, of course. But just then we received an email about a sale on Dockers shoes at the local department store. The email showed a picture of a type of Dockers shoes (see below) that can only be described as nothing less than soul crushing.
They are the ultimate shoes for those who hate themselves. First, wearing anything by Dockers shows that you hate yourself. Second, the braided belt look is incorporated in these shoes. And third, wearing them will make you lose your sex drive while simulatenously preventing anyone from wanting to have sex with you.
Receiving the comment from dkzody and this email about the Dockers shoes at the same moment made it seem that the biz caz God, Lumbergh (pictured below), was trying to contact us from the great cubicle in the sky. Spooky.
Many people believe that the issue of biz caz is simply too general to be the subject of one Web site. Writing about wearing biz caz is like writing about breathing. Everyone does it.
Believe it or not, not everyone wears biz caz. This may be hard for many to accept. It certainly was for us for a long time. Everywhere we went the only people we saw were dressed in biz caz. All of our coworkers and all the other professionals near our downtown offices were in biz caz. Same with all the other drinkers we saw at happy hours at our favorite after-work bars like Houlihans, Slappy O’Leary’s and the Bull and Bear. Even the employees of restaurants and retail stores like Starbucks and Best Buy were biz caz clad.
It’s easy for people to grow up believing that everyone wears biz caz. Well, not everyone does. We hate to be the ones to break it to you but that’s what we do, we speak the hard truth about biz caz.
Therefore, we are going to begin profiling people who do not wear biz caz as a way of expanding our readers’ horizons.
First up, Rick Rubin.
Rick Rubin, an influential music producer who cofounded Def Jam Records, does not wear biz caz.
However, his friend Jay-Z does wear biz caz. Intersestingly, when Jay-Z wears biz caz no one calls it biz caz. This is due to the fact that instead of looking like Sean Carter, a mid manager for the past 10 years at Inintech, he is still that Jay-Hova while wearing khaki pants and a striped shirt. How many of your cubicle-mates can you say that about?
The Biz Caz Blues has compiled a list of clothing items and accessories to be worn by those office workers who suffer from self-loathing and are looking for a way to punish themselves.
In our surveys, we have found many instances of this among the newly-minted office workers–those in their early to mid-20s. More than one would expect.
This self-loathing is usually caused by some sort of guilt, often over how much the person partied while in college to the detriment of the person’s grades subsequently limiting the person’s job prospects to the one the person has or the person still has not forgiven him or herself for that bi-curious phase during sophomore year.
Our research has shown that wearing the following six items inflicts a sufficient amount of punishment to satisfy those who hate themselves. Please note that this list only applies to men. We will be posting a list for women who hate themselves later.
Please send in any other items you think should be added.
1. The braided belt. This is self explanatory.
2. Cotton pants any shades lighter than khaki. There is an exception for people 75 years and older.
4. The mid-manager’s tool belt. This should consist of clipping your blackberry, cell phone, pager (even though you’re not a doctor), and office building security badge to your braided belt.
5. Blue Denim Shirt. Unless you’re carrying a gun with a scope. Then you can pretty much wear anything you want.
6. Futuristic Sunglasses. The kind that make you look like you’re going to go play beach volleyball when, in reality, you’re just going to sit on your ever-expanding ass in a cubicle staring at a computer for approximately 7.5 hours.
Another battle in the never-ending office dress code wars ended decisively this week when the Men’s Dress Furnishings Association (MDFA), the American tie makers trade group, announced that it would be shutting down its operations.
The MDFA publicly blamed its dwindling membership as the reason behind the group’s decision to dissolve. The group’s current membership of 25 companies is down from 120 in the 1980s.
Behind the scenes, however, members of the MDFA and others in the workplace fashion industry were acknowledging that MDFA’s closure was a direct result of the Smart and Casual Officewear Federation’s (SACOF) relentless attacks on both the formal wear industry and its culture.
One MDFA insider, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Truth is, SACOF beat us a long time ago. Some of us think we should have disbanded years ago when it first became clear that SACOF had made business casual the dominant office wear.”
Others used more forceful language when talking about SACOF, proving that bad blood remains between the two groups long after the bloody officewear wars of the 1980s and 1990s. Many, speaking off record, accused SACOF of continuing to play hardball in the years following the Truce of 2002, using tactics such as shakedowns of makers of formal wear.
Representatives of SACOF did not respond to any calls for comment. SACOF’s press department issued the following brief statement: “The members of the Smart and Casual Officewear Federation wish the best for all of the members of the Men’s Dress Furnishings Association in their future endeavors. SACOF, as an organization, had nothing but respect for MDFA in the years the two groups competed against one another.”
It looks like SACOF will have no more competition going forward.
The only thing better in the whole wide world than Jeans Friday is Jeans Thursday. That, of course, is when Jeans Friday falls on a holiday like tomorrow’s Fourth of July. The unspoken understanding between cubicle workers and their bosses is that the workers will get a day to wear jeans every week, come Hell or high water.
“Well, what is it?” I asked. “Is it the water here or something in the office air? Is this some Erin Brockovich shit or something?”
I sat down in the psychiatrist’s chair and opened up to him about my problems–fatigue, depression, low sex drive.
dissolve. The group’s current membership of 25 companies is down from 120 in the 1980s. 